I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.