My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
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“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
*has no idea what a book even is*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.