My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Still a very good boi….
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The USS B port
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭