Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes