I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha