The French cow says MEUX…
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
All. The. Damn. Time.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent