Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
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I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️