What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.