KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
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3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
pictures of spider-man
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
The Joker was right
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors