[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
You Might Also Like
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?