i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?