wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.