Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE