“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
the three branches of government
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
WTF IS THAT!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”