*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-