OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather