[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
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Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
What
😂😂
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Cndnsd Mlk
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name