It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
love it when they get my name right