[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
You Might Also Like
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.