Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Me trying to look natural in photos
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Terribly Tuesday.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?