Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
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If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”