My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”