What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
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God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”