I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance