Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Same post same
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
mumsnet is amazing
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast