“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
nature’s most graceful animal
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.