“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?