One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
You Might Also Like
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.