The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.