The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go