Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.