Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
You Might Also Like
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?