Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
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Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
everyone has that one prude friend
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.