friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
You Might Also Like
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
How dramatic are you?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
How to find Kentucky on a map
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.