Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.