[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?