ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines