Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?