“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.