HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
181.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.