Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
“i miss shittin on people”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.