“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Passed by a old school Math example today.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.