So many pants.
So little yoga.
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Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino