“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.