Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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Why font matters.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals