Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You Might Also Like
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
craving $300 all of a sudden
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
The French word for sex is croissant.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos