[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You Might Also Like
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“I FIXED IT!”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling