me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
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Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?