Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don鈥檛 you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn鈥檛 do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 馃憡
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
doctor: i鈥檓 afraid you鈥檙e dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 馃檨
doctor: but we鈥檒l treat you asbestos we can.
me: 馃槀
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I鈥檓 curious
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.