Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out